Rain in Bahrain

Making a List

2012-01-03T13:11:00.000-08:00

I making a list for the daily tasks of my life because I can't keep it together on my own anymore. Even taking a shower in the morning seems like it takes an insurmountable amount of energy. I just stay in bed, listening to my mother gossip downstairs and complain about her mother.

Even my fingers slam down on this keyboard with exhaustion on each key.

The first laugh I had this new year was catching myself crying to episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" while scarfing down my third fudgsicle in bed. I feel like Vicki Christina Barcelona. I'm pining to feel alive. I'm begining to wonder if creating chaos is how I need to keep my life in excitement, from becoming stagnant. Everyday is the same. Everything seems stale. This house is stale, this bed is stale, the smell of my unchanged shirt is stale.

There's no privacy with 4 people in a tiny 2 Bedroom. No privacy yet I'm hallowed out with lonliness.
This unemployment wreeks as much as my new found extra pounds.

I'm only living for the hope that the future willbe better. These insecurities are beginning to rape my tired ego. Broke, unemployed, friend-less, purpose-less, and getting nothing but fatter. I need to find a reason to love myself again, to feel some kind of special, individualistic, and worth a damn.
I fight the rape of my ego in vain.

Mom's getting better. So much better. I'm so happy she's better. I like to think my help, my being there made the cancer suck just a tiny bit less.

No one told me what it would be like to be a caretaker. No one told me how far I'd want to run from her when she got better. Her voice is like nails on a fucking chalk board. It makes me writhe with an unsettling, nauseating jolt. She contributes to the monotony of my daily life. So uninspiring. She has no idea she asks so much of me, even now.
It reminds me of Sylvia's Bell Jar that haunts each relentless day.
Each day that comes extends into an eternity of days ahead. One seamless line of days that endlessly folds into the next with relentless abandon, with no end in sight.
Each day hurts. The only quesation is how much will I hurt today. Today tore me apart. Will tomorrow do the same or only provide me with a lesser pain? A lesser pain to keep on going.
I feel dead already. Dead inside and void of any energy to push me through the eternity of unchanging days ahead.

One unchanging pill a day
A pill a day will wash your pain away.

I miss you, Dad.
I miss you, Sean.

I thought of you both when the clock struck midnight on a new year. But to me, it just seemed the same. Same year.

Happy same year...

Running from my tears

2011-12-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

Just running from my tears
Running
from my tears

Tap Tap
The sound they make when they fall
below me, not behind me

Tap Tap
Far away from sounds of rain
Don't catch my pain

Run for years
To dry these fields.

Sean O'Brien, I love you

2011-12-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

I remember the day I had to pick you up from a hotel lobby in Tyson's Corner at 7am. You were jolted awake by a security guard towering over you telling you that you had to get out, the party was well over.
I was still drunk as I wrestled myself out of bed to answer your call. You were as grateful as you were confused. I laughed to myself as to how we often find ourselves in strange situations in our youth: almost always resulting from drunken stoned stupors the night before.
I splashed cold water on my face to help me erase the tired, drunk feeling that swallowed the expression on my face. I climbed into my 1999 Volkswagen Jetta and the diesel engine roared to life: the sound pierced my otherwise comatose head with a searing pain. I resented the hang over I was about to endure.

As you jumped into my car you began a broken explanation of what the previous night held for you as I tried to supplement its gaps with vague recollections of my own. We weren't sure how you got left behind to pass out on a couch in the hotel lobby but by the end of it, our sides ached with laughter.
"I don't have shit to do today." you said. I could see you were ready to keep on living.
"Um... Me neither. Any idea what you might want to do?" I replied.
You burst out with infectious laughter, as you often did, and said, "fuck no, man. You came to get me today so we're on your schedule. We're doing whatever you wanna do."

After a quick trip to the grociery store, we went back to my house. You insisted paying for my items as a way to return the favor for picking you up. You always gave.
In my basement you pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels, our crew's favorite. We looked at the clock; 9:00 am. "Sure, why not?" I thought to myself.
You laughed and reminded me, "we don't got shit to do today!"
I can still hear your laugh even now.

We called up Jeanette and invited her over. By this time we had been playing 2 hours of UNO, even fashioning some UNO cards of our own to read, "FUCKED!!" and other such obscenities which seemed to have an infinite effect on our laughter.
We told stories, made each other laugh, watched our favorite shows, played video games, and drank long into the evening. We even talked about friendship. True friendships like the one we had where you could say anything in the world to one another. Friendships of brotherhood and sisterhood. I was your sister and you were my brother.

I look back on that as one of the best days in my life. I couldn't have shared it with anyone else. I wish I got to tell you I love you one more time, brother.
I love you, Sean. You died December 10th, 2011. Age 24. Too fucking young.

I wonder what you knew. I wonder what that day held for you. I wonder if you knew how much I love you.
You said to me before that when you die, you wanted your friends to dress your body in a gorilla costume and drop you from a helicopter into a mall of unsuspecting shoppers. With the confusion and terror that would follow, you wanted us to laugh and smile. King kong's last practical prank was of a dark humor: but such was Sean's way. To find humor in our darkest of moments to remind us that nothing is worth taking too seriously. God, how I miss your laugh. Your laugh. Your laugh lives in me forever.

What I seek

2011-12-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

Life is as empty as it is full
The emptiness we'll create is deeper
Than our life will ever be full
Whats to have is to be lost
Each meaning to our own

I will endure an eternity of emptiness
Infinite darkness and unknown
To live a lifetime with you

I need no God with you.

Comfortably Numb

2011-12-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

I've taken some pills, drank some wine and your hold over me is fading. I feel little and say its reality, but I've always known when to lie to myself.
I assume it's to good to be true. Nothing in this world is free. Nothing is ever handed to you. Pienso que estabas diciendo me mentiras. Necesito creer eso. I need to avoid the pain.

He's fetching me a glass of wine. He's holding me when I cry though he doesn't know what for.
He's brought me flowers now and smiles at my presence, my existence. I know his smile is for real. He'd never lie, he'll always love me, he'll always want me. Want. Me.

I'll be losing sure to gain a question
Possibly for mere expressions
Maybe naked but a temporary passion
It may not last unless we fashion
A way to make my soul complete
Loving me is quite a feat

I only know what you tell me
You say believe but I can't see.

En Serio

2011-12-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you really were serious.
My heart believed you.

Me quedo en otra región y ahora mi corazón esta enferma.
No puedo dejar pensando en ti.

Espero que te me olvides. Si te me olvides, vayas a romper mi corazón pero tendría una razón de dejarte en mi mente.

Es demasiado fácil decir te amo.

I can hear your snoring

2011-11-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's been like that a lot lately.

My heart has become a black hole of selfishness and ego centrism. My black hole is sucking in my soul and I'm unable to think of you until it's too late, not until I've hurt you. My soul is disappearing, my love for life is fading, the essence of myself is suffocating.

Take me up and tear my down. Life's like a record that spins round and round.
Your heart can't beat unless it bleeds. Find a soul on which to feed.
You won't leave me in the dust. Oil me so I won't rust.
And if one day you run astray, I'll only have myself to blame.
Take me up and tear my down. Life's like a record that spins round and round.

I'm overwhelmed by everything and everyone. I know I'm taking it out on you. I don't know how to stop. I see your beautiful face and your beautiful soul and I want it to fix me: I want you to fix me. I want you to pick me up when I fall down. Kiss me when I'm biting. Hold me when I'm screaming.

I just want you to save me. I know you can't: I have to save myself. I just don't feel I have the strength anymore.

I feel like I'm drowning.

These fucking pills don't do a thing.